I say, "Pick it up, asshole, you're lucky you found the fuckin' thing! The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender for the sake of group thought. If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. 47. "Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. Disgusting that people still make that argument that we can never cut defense but we can cut education. Another George Carlin Quote. : Libertarian - Reddit Religion is just trying to control your mind, control your thoughts, so they're gonna tell you some things you shouldn't say because they're Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins. Nothing sacred about those things. Parents are full of shit, teachers are full of shit, clergymen are full of shit, and law enforcement people are fullofshit this entire country. Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and theyre against homosexuals. If I can be of any help to you on your journey I'll do my best. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? They all said: Try to live together peacefully. BAM! 8 George Carlin Quotes On Death That Will Make You Think! Original music by Dan Powell and Marion Lozano . Religion is nothing but mind control. You know how you speed up baseball? . Its because volunteers work for no pay. You're reading a nice story, and suddenly the writer has to stop and describe the clouds. All right, that's enough of that. 29. Everybodys going to save something now. Manage Settings Really? Well, they don't want you to get an infection! the government doesn't care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare or your safety. I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. Well, if it's undisputed, what's all the fighting about? It's all over the language now "pre"-this, "pre"-that, place the turkey in a "pre-heated" oven. If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic coincidence. If they say, Were the So-and-Sos, take a walk. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view. They don't fall out of the sky. This is the best we can do. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. George Carlin, 53. Are these people kidding? Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. Rights aren't rights if someone can - George Carlin Quotes - Facebook These are the same people who were elected with the help of the moral majority. Some are essay-length, some are just short lists of one and two-line jokes, but if they're flyin' around the Internet, they're probably not mine. We have a son in public school who hasn't shot any of his classmates yet. In the first place, white people got no business playing the blues ever at all under any circumstances ever, ever, ever! This is the best we can do folks. And generally speaking again it's all generalized the left-of-center people are more concerned with humans and human beings and human concerns; to the care of humans, not the care and worry about property rights. [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_zwB6GLpo4&w=584&h=390]. You kick him squarely in the nuts, and you get the fuck out of there as fast as you can, and you go tell somebody right away; you tell as many grown-up people as you canone of them is bound to believe you. I believe the list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. Save the planet! Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day. "(pop, pop) Been up all week, man! 'American Dream' documentary examines George Carlin's triumphs - NPR A waitress with a visible infection on her serving hand. I gave up on my countrymen. ""Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. 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Some of these one-liners included: "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 51. You dont see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? The House of Blues they ought to call it the House of Lame White Motherfuckers; inauthentic, low frequency, single-digit, lame, white motherfuckers especially these male movie stars who think theyre blues artists. Put the blame where it belongs: on the people. Instead, what you do is kick him in the nuts. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Its important in life if you dont give a shit. When a business man sits down to negotiate a deal, the first thing he does is to automatically assume that the other guy is a complete lying prick who's trying to fuck him outta his money. What's the alternative to pumping out a unit every nine months? Seems like a big waste of time to me! You don't have to bring flowers. People are wonderful one at a time. ' George Carlin, 30. And because most of this stuff is really lame, it's embarrassing to see my name on it. You have no right to complain. Produced by Will Reid and Michael Simon Johnson. You realize that most of the right-to-lifers are in favor of the DEATH penalty? You know why? Isn't that nice? Or, at the very least, it will be slanted to suit them, and then rarely followed up. George Carlin, 64. They call it the National Defense University, but it's a war college. Now, some people like to twist that around. No war on homelessness. Its no secret that George Carlin was a bit of a political philosopher. Who wants to get sucked off by a forty-three-year-old clergyman with beard stubble? The people are fucked! Carlin was known for his dark comedy and reflections on politics, religion, psychology, language and taboo subjects. Sooner or later, the people in this country are gonna realize the government does not give a fuck about them! They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles. It's not an attitude in line with the American Spirit, but there it is: we all screw around first. Maybe something else sucks around here like, the public. George Denis Patrick Carlin ( May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, singer, voice artist, and comedian, noted especially for his irreverent attitude and his observations on politics, language, psychology, and religion, as well as some taboo subjects. When they talk about drugs, they don't talk about all of them. They don't trust one another. And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give up a lot of your humanity. ", "Rockets And Penises In The Persian Gulf", Now, to balance the scale, I'd like to talk about some things that bring us together, things that point out our similarities instead of our differences. Doesn't this piss you off? Where are these people hiding? I can't wait for some of these cities to disappear. See, nobody can do it! Author of the memoir The Young People Who Traverse Dimensions While Wearing Sunglasses. No, viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli bacteria, the crabs. ""The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post 'Thou shalt not steal,' 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' and 'Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. But no, Dorko in the plaid knickers is gonna hit it again, and walk some more. How do school teachers handle this? Thats the only thing. It's interested in it's own power. No question about it. The Ballad of 'Deepfake Drake' - The New York Times What exactly is viewer discretion? When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? But you'll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, "What's happenin'?". Any lawyer who refers to the police as the "Federalies." And don't you love the way these kind of people pervert the English language? -George Carlin They keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that they, the rich, can run off with all the fucking money! The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals? Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fuckin' pocket, and I wouldn't mind. Didn't need any help on that ladder. Actor: Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? It's true! Stop that! You still need a note to get laid. In many ways, the comedian has the ability to be the philosopher of our era, a social critic and theorist whose words have the ability to shape public thought. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. We're all fucked. And don't let me be hit by a flying turd. George Carlin Quotes. And you might have noticed something else. But happiness is not something I have, it is something I myself want to be. Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. Thats the only thing keeping it and expanding it wherever possible. George Carlin, 57. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. Political correctness is Americas newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious because it comes disguised as tolerance. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down! Broadly speaking. We are the embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed little nit-wit who at the age of ten not only continues to wet the bed but also shits on the school bus. "Just when these American citizens needed their rights the most, their government sucked 'em away. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. "I don't believe anything the government tells me." - George Carlin 02. Is that such a strange notion. The actual author of this quote is Roger J. Corless, from his book "The Vision of Buddhism: the Space Under the Tree". They will do anything for the unborn. Amen and Awomen. I think "spokesman" ought to be "spokesperson," I think "chairman" ought to be "chairperson," I think "mankind" ought to be "humankind." George Carlin > Quotes > Quotable Quote - Goodreads I think people should be allowed to do what they want. Never join a group that has a name. A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! And if you act now, we'll include an extra added, free, complimentary bonus gift, a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium select, gourmet combination key ring, magnifying glass and garden hose in a genuine imitation leather style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim. The planet will be here, and well be gone. After all, he was one of the most successful comedians of all time! Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. No problem. No contest! Some people don't want you to mention certain things. Right in the fucking head! It's like "pre-recorded" "This program was pre-recorded." And now they're coming for your Social Security money. Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? George Carlin Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. They try to divide the rest of the people. Overnight I became a sun-worshiper. Dont just teach your children to read Teach them to question everything that they read Teach them to question everything. George Carlin, 86. Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion and the Catholics and the Christians are just tossing them aside. Have you noticed that there are some people, who when they lose something, their first reaction is that it had to be stolen? 46. I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. That's generally been true. BULLSHIT! I leave that to others. You might have noticed that I never complain about politicians. That's what all that asshole jock bullshit is all about. People I can do without. The middle class pays all of the taxis, does all of the work. ' George Carlin, 56. This country is big-time pig time Change the bald eagle to a big bowl of macaroni and cheese. 28. And there's no shortage of volunteers; everyone complains about politicians. But a casual fan has no way of knowing, and it bothers me that some people might believe I'd actually be capable of writing some of this stuff. "Do you believe in God?" And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? So self-important. They never mention coffee. You know why? Did you ever stop to think about all the people we kill? George Carlin on Customs | between drafts It will be a coincidence. Next fucking case! Irony is "a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result." They never mention that part to us, do they? George Carlin, 50. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. If Darryl Stingley's son paralyzes someone else, that will be closer to ironic. Or "Jesus, Can You Believe It's Christmas Again?" This page was last edited on 1 April 2023, at 02:51. Let me get a sip of water hereyou figure this stuff is safe to drink? Never argue with an idiot. If my car should be in such a position where I can't quite see what's going on, can't get a good enough look, I'm not the. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. George Carlin, 39. 13. ' Avoid teams at all cost. And of course this country is founded on the double standard, that's our history! Bullshit is rampant. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. Nobody goes right to work. Theyre always people who tell us to live together in harmony and try to love one another: Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. They don't care about you at all -- at all -- at all. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelet? The rights and the rights of property. Because Im an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.". "Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails." And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live. So they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people, in order to move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. It's nothing. Youd think theyd make natural allies. Several reasons. Regarding public Christmas displays: At some point, someone who worked at Rockefeller Center must have said, "Boys, I have a great idea for Christmas. A lot of these cultural crimes I've been complaining about can be blamed on the Baby Boomers, something else I'm getting tired of hearing aboutwhiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "GIMME IT, IT'S MINE!" And the proof of it, the proof of it is, they don't even trust each other. Some people think if you mention some things they might happen. I started this website because I wanted to help people like you to maximize their potential and achieve their dreams. You dont have to be a historian or a political scientist to see the bigger-dick foreign policy at work. ", Variations of this piece have also been misattributed to, "Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body". In fact, I regularly pray for serious, life-threatening rodeo injuries. 3. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. Who said so? Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. To me, war is a lot of prick-waving! Change His plan? Live and let live. George Carlin was incendiary, he was hilarious, he was often the smartest dude (and biggest smartass) on the block, and he was a national treasure.
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